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C3L8 



ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 



BY THE SAME AUTHOR 



A House-boat on the Styx 

Coffee and Repartee 

Mollie and the Unwiseman 

Proposal Under Difficulties 

Worsted Man; A Musical Play for Amateurs 

The Enchanted Typewriter 

Ghosts ! Have Met 

Mrs. Raffles 

Olympian Nights 

R. Holmes & Co. 

And Many Other Short Stories 



Alice in 

Blunderland 

An Iridescent Dream 

By 
JOHN KENDRICK BANGS 



Illustrated by 
ALBERT LEVERING 




> 



New York 

Doubleday, Page & Company 

1907 



LionARYtf'CONGReSs! 
lwo Copies Received 

190*' 



-a, Cooyncht Bntry 



/£€3*7 

COPY 5.' 



7<o \oL*t 



Copyright, 1906, by the 
Municipal Ownership Publishing Bureau 



Copyright, 1907, by 
doubleday, page & company 
Published, September, 1907 



All Rights Reserved 

Including that of Translation into Foreign Languages 

Including the Scandinavian 



CONTENTS 

CHAPTER PAGE 

I. Off to Blunderland .... 3 

II. The Immovable Trolley . . 19 

III. The Aromatic Gas Plant . . -37 

IV. The City-owned Police . . . 56 
V. The Municipaphone . . -73 

VI. The Department of Public Verse . 92 

VII. The Municipal Ownership of Children 108 



ILLUSTRATIONS 

The Cheshire Cat .... 
The March Hare .... 

" 'Listen here'" .... 

The municipal chewery 

The municipal toothery 

"Handing her a card" 

" 'Put that fellow off'" . 

"Requested the Hatter to crack a filbert 
for him" 

" * Banged into the car ahead' " 

The Chief Engineer .... 

11 'It came to me like a flash' " 

11 ' Studying the economic theories of Dr 
Wack'" 

"The White Knight interfered" 

" 'In the matter of perfume it Was fine' " 

" 'Nobody could be gas-fixturated ' " 

vii 



PAGE 

5 
6 

7 
ii 

i3 

17 

20 

24 
27 

3° 
31 

45 
48 

5° 
5 1 



ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

"Wrote on the side of a convenient gas 
tank" 

" 'I'm the soundest sleeper in town* " 

" 'Tea is served on every corner' " . 

11 'We respond immediately to the call' ' 

" Made off with the agility of an antelope' 

" 'You can talk all you please' " 

'"Fined five dollars'" . 

"'The dictionary we are compiling'" 

"Alice transfixed at the phone" 

" 'The biggest jackass from Dan to Beer 
sheba'" 

" ' Larger measure than was the custom ' 

"Greeted by the Commissioner, the Haber- 
dasher" ..... 

" ' It runs this way, your honour' 

" ' Our thinking department ' " . 

" 'When they think nobody's looking' ' 

"'If you get into trouble, use this'" 

"Seizing her by the arm" 

" ' Why— have I— I really fallen ? ' " 

viii 



PAGE 

57 
59 
6 4 

67 
69 

73 
84 

85 
86 

87 
94 

99 

100 

102 
116 
119 
122 
124 



ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 



CHAPTER I 

OFF TO BLUNDERLAND 

IT WAS one of those dull, drab, de- 
pressing days when somehow or 
other it seemed as if there wasn't any- 
thing anywhere for anybody to do. It 
was raining outdoors, so that Alice could 
not amuse herself in the garden, or call 
upon her friend Little Lord Fauntleroy 
up the street; and downstairs her mother 
was giving a Bridge Party for the benefit 
of the M. 0. Hot Tamale Company, which 
had lately fallen upon evil days. Alice's 
mother was a very charitably disposed 
person, and while she loathed gambling 
in all its forms, was nevertheless willing 
for the sake of a good cause to forego her 
principles on alternate Thursdays, but 
she was very particular that her little 
daughter should be kept aloof from 



4 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

contaminating influences, so that Alice 
found herself locked in the nursery and, 
as I have already intimated, with nothing 
to do. She had read all her books — The 
House of Mirth, the novels of Hall Caine 
and Marie Corelli — the operation for 
appendicitis upon her dollie, while very 
successful indeed, had left poor Flaxilocks 
without a scrap of sawdust in her veins, 
and therefore unable to play; and worst 
of all, her pet kitten, under the new city 
law making all felines public property, 
had grown into a regular cat and appeared 
only at mealtimes, and then in so dis- 
reputable a condition that he was not 
thought to be fit company for a child of 
seven. 

"Oh dear!" cried Alice impatiently, 
as she sat rocking in her chair, listening 
to the pattering of the rain upon the roof 
of the veranda. "I do wish there was 
something to do, or somebody to do, or 
somewhere to go. The Gov'ment ought 
to provide covered playgrounds for 



OFF TO BLUNDERLAND 5 

children on wet days. It wouldn't cost 
much to put a glass cover on the Park! " 

"A very good idea! I'll make a note 
of that," said a squeaky little voice at 
her side. 

Alice sprang to her feet in surprise. 
She had supposed she was alone, and for 
a moment she was frightened, but a 
glance around reassured her, for strange 
to say, seated on the radiator warming 
his toes was her old 
friend the Hatter, the 
queer old chap she had 
met in her marvellous 
trip through Wonder- 
land, and with him was 

THE CHESHIRE CAT 

the March Hare, the 

Cheshire Cat, and the White Knight from 

Looking Glass Land. 

"Why — you dear old things!" she 
cried. "You here?" 

11 1 don't know about these others, 
but Fm here," returned the Hatter. 
"The others seem to be here, but I 




ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 



respectfully decline to take my solemn 
daffydavy on the subject, because my 
doctor says I'm all the time seeing things 
that ain't. Besides I don't believe in 
swearing.' ' 

" We're here all right," put in the 
March Hare. " I know because we ain't 

anywhere else, and 
when you ain't any- 
where else you can 
make up your mind 
that you're here." 

"Well, I'm awfully 
glad to see you," said 
Alice. "I've been so 
lonesome " 




THE MARCH HARE 



"We know that," 
said the White Knight. "We've been 
studying your case lately and we thought 
we'd come down and see what we could 
do for you. The fact is the Hatter here 
has founded a model city, where every- 
thing goes just right, and we came to ask 
you to pay us a call." 



OFF TO BLUNDERLAND 



"A city?" cried Alice. 
Yep," said the March Hare. 



<< 



It's 



called Blunderland and between you and 
me I don't believe anybody but the 
Hatter could have invented one like it. 
His geegantic brain conceived the whole 
thing, and I tell you it's a corker." 

" Where is it?" asked Alice. 

"That's telling," said the Hatter. 
11 1 haven't had it copyrighted yet, and 
until I do I ain't going to tell where it is. 
You can't 
be too care- 
ful about 
property 
these days 
with cop- 
perations 
1 u r k i n ' 
around 
everywhere 
to grab 
everything 
in sight." 




LISTEN HERE 



8 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

" What's a copperation? " asked Alice. 

"What? Never heard of a Coppera- 
tion? " demanded the Hatter. "Mercy! 
Ever hear of the Mumps, or the Measles, 
or the Whooping Cough ?" 

"Yes — but I never knew they were 
called Copperations," said Alice. 

11 Well, they ain't, but they're no worse 
— so they ought to be," said the Hatter. 
"Listen here. I'll tell you what a cop- 
peration is." 

And putting his hat in front of his 
mouth like a telephone the Hatter recited 
the following poem through it: 

THE COPPERATION 

A copperation is a beast 

With forty leven paws 
That doesn't ever pay the least 

Attention to the laws. 

It grabs whatever comes in sight 
From hansom cabs to socks 

And with a grin of mad delight 
It turns 'em into stocks 



OFF TO BLUNDERLAND 9 

And then it takes a rubber hose 

Connected with the sea 
And pumps 'em full of H 2 0s 

Of various degree 

And when they're swollen up so stout 
You'd think they'd surely bust 

They souse 'em once again and out 
They come at last a Trust 

And when the Trust is ready for 

One last and final whack 
They let the public in the door 

To buy the water back. 

" See? " said the Hatter as he finished. 

"No," said Alice. "It sounded very 
pretty through your hat, but I don't 
understand it. Why should people buy 
water when they can get it for nothing 
in the ocean ?" 

" You're like all the rest," groaned 
the Hatter. " Nobody seems to under- 
stand but me, and somehow or other I 
can't make it clear to other people." 

" You might if you didn't talk through 



io ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

your hat," grinned the Cheshire Cat. 

" Then I'd have to stop being a public 
character/ ' said the Hatter. "I'm not 
going to sacrifice my career just because 
you're too ignorant to see what I'm 
driving at. I don't mind telling you 
though, Alice, that outside of poetry a 
Copperation is a Creature devised by 
Selfish Interests to secure the Free Coin- 
age of the Atlantic Ocean." 

"Little drops of water, 
Plenty of hot air, 
Make a Copperation 
A pretty fat affair," 

warbled the March Hare. 

" O well," said Alice, " what about it? 
Suppose there is such an animal around. 
What are we going to do about it?" 

"We're going to gerraple with it," 
said the Hatter, with a valiant shake of 
his hat. "We're going to grab it by its 
throat, and shake it down, and shackle 
it so that in forty years it will become as 



OFF TO BLUNDERLAND 



ii 



tame as a fly or any other highly domes- 
ticated animal." 

asked 



Alice. 



You 



"But how?" 
aren't going to 
do this yourself, 
are you? Single 
handed and 
alone?" 

"Yes," said 
the Hatter. 
"The March Hare 
and the White 
Knight and I. 
We've started 
a city to do it 
with. We've 
sprinkled our 
streets with 

Rough on Copperations until there isn't 
one left in the place. Everything in town 
belongs to the People — street cars, gut- 
ters, pavements, theatres, electric light, 
cabs, manicures, dogs, cats, canary birds, 
hotels, barber shops, candy stores, hats, 




THE MUNICIPAL CHEWERY 



12 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

umbrellas, bakeries, cakeries, steakeries, 
shops, — you can't think of a thing 
that the city don't own. No more 
private ownership of anything from 
a toothbrush to a yacht, and the result 
is we are all happy." 

" It sounds fine, " said Alice. 
° Though I think I should rather own my 
own toothbrush. ' ' 

"You naturally would under the old 
system," assented the Hatter. "Under 
a system of private ownership owning 
your own teeth you'd prefer to own your 
own toothbrush, but our Council has just 
passed a law making teeth public prop- 
erty. You see we found that some people 
had teeth and other people hadn't, which is 
hardly a fair condition under a Repub- 
lican form of Government. It gave one 
class of citizens a distinct advantage over 
other people and the Declaration of 
Independence demands absolute equality 
for all. One man owning his own teeth 
could eat all the hickory nuts he wanted 



OFF TO BLUNDERLAND 13 

just because he had teeth to crack 'em 
with, while another man not having teeth 
had either to swallow 'em whole, which 
ruined his digestion, or go without, which 
wasn't fair." 

"I see," said Alice. 

"So it occurred to Mr. Alderman 




THE MUNICIPAL TOOTHERY 



March Hare here," continued the Hatter, 
"that we should legislate in the matter, 
and at our last session we passed a law pro- 
viding for the Municipal Ownership of 
Teeth, so that now when a toothless 
wanderer wants a hickory nut cracked he 
has a perfectly legal right to stop any- 
body in the street who has teeth and 
make him crack the nut for him. Of 



i4 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

course we've had a little trouble enforcing 
the law — alleged private rights are always 
difficult to get around. Long-continued 
possession has seemed so to convince 
people that they have inherent rights to 
the things they have enjoyed that they 
put up a fight and appeal to the Consti- 
tution and all that, and even when you 
mention the fact, as I did in a case that 
came up the other day (when a man 
refused to bite off another chap's cigar 
for him), that the Constitution doesn't 
mention teeth anywhere in all its classes, 
they are not easy to convince. This 
fellow insisted that his teeth were private 
property, and no city law should make 
them public property. He's going to 
take it to the Supreme Court. Mean- 
while his teeth are in the custody of the 
sheriff." 

" And what has become of the man? " 
asked Alice. 

"He's in the custody of the sheriff 
too," said the Hatter. "We couldn't 



OFF TO BLUNDERLAND 15 

arrange it any other way except by 
pulling his teeth, and he didn't want 
that." 

"I can't blame him," said Alice 
reflectively. " I should hate to have my 
teeth taken away from me." 

"O there's no obfuscation about it," 
said the Hatter. 

"Confuscation," corrected the March 
Hare. " I wish you would get that 
word right. It's too important to fool 
with." 

" Thank you," replied the Hatter. 
" My mind is on higher things than mere 
words. However, as I was saying, there 
is no cobfuscation about it. We don't 
take a man's teeth away from him 
without compensation. We pay him what 
the teeth are worth and place them 
at the service of the whole community." 

" Where do you get the money to pay 
him?" asked Alice. 

"We give him a Municipal Bond," 
explained the Hatter. "It's a ten per 



1 6 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

cent, bond costing two cents to print. 
When he cracks a hickory nut for the 
public, the man he cracks it for pays him 
a cent. He rings this up on a cash 
register he carries pinned to his vest, and 
at the end of every week turns in the cash 
to the City Treasury. That money is 
used to pay the interest on the bonds. 
The scheme has the additional advantage 
that it makes a man's teeth negotiable 
property in the sense that whereas under 
the old system he couldn't very well sell 
his teeth, under the new system he can 
sell the bond if he gets hard up. More- 
over, the City Government having 
acquired control has to pay all his 
dentist's bills, supply tooth powder and 
so on, which results in a great saving to 
the individual. It hardly costs the city 
anything, except for the Tooth Inspector, 
who is paid $1,200 a year, but we can 
handle that easily enough, provided the 
people will use the Public Teeth in 
sufficiently large numbers to bring in 



OFF TO BLUNDERLAND 1 7 



dividends. 
Anyhow, we 
have gone in 
for it, and I 
see no reason 
why it should 
not work as 
well as any 
other Muni- 
cipal Owner- 
ship scheme." 

"I should 
love to go and 
see your 
city," said 

Alice, who, though not quite convinced 
as to the desirability of the Municipal 
Ownership of Teeth, was nevertheless 
very much interested. 

"Very well," said the Hatter. "We 
can go at once, for I see the train is 
already standing in the Station." 

"The Station?" cried Alice. "What 
Station?" 




"handing her a card" 



1 8 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

But before the Hatter could answer, 
Alice, glancing through the window, 
caught sight of a very beautiful train 
standing before the veranda, and in a 
moment she found herself stepping on 
board with her friends, while a soft- 
spoken guard at the door was handing 
her an engraved card upon a silver salver 
" Respectfully Inviting Miss Alice to 
Step Lively There.' ' 



CHAPTER II 

THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 

WHAT an extraordinary car," said 
Alice, as she stepped into the 
brilliantly lighted vehicle. "It doesn't 
seem to have any end to it," she added as 
she passed down the aisle, looking for 
the front platform. 

"It hasn't," said the Hatter. "It 
just runs on forever." 

"Doesn't it stop anywhere?" cried 
Alice in amazement. 

"It stops everywhere," said the 
Hatter. " What I mean is it hasn't any 
ends at all. It's just one big circular car 
that runs all around the city and joins 
itself where it began in the beginning. 
We call it the M. O. Express, M. O. 
standing for Municipal Ownership " 

"And Money Owed," laughed a 

J 9 



2o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

Weasel that sat on the other side of the 
car. 

" Put that fellow off," said the March 
Hare indignantly. " Conductor — out with 
him." 




The Conductor immediately threw 
the Weasel out of the window, as ordered, 
and the Hatter resumed. 

"We call it the express because it is 
so fast," he continued. 

"You'd hardly think it was going at 
all, observed Alice, as she noticed the 
entire lack of motion in the car. 

" It isn't," said the Hatter. " It's built 
on a solid foundation and doesn't move 



THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 21 

an inch, and yet at the same time it runs 
all around the city. It was my idea," 
he added proudly. 

" But you said it was fast," protested 
Alice. 

"And so it is, my child," said the 
Hatter kindly. " It's as fast as though 
it was glued down with mucilage. 
There's several ways of being fast, you 
know. Did you ever hear of the Ballade 
of the Nancy P. D. QJ" 

"No," said Alice. 

"It's a Sea Song in B flat," said the 
Hatter. "I will sing it for you." 

And placing his hat before his lips to 
give a greater mellowness to his voice, 
the Hatter sang: 

THE BALLADE OF THE NANCY P. D. Q. 

O the good ship Nancy P. D. Q. 

From up in Boston, Mass., 
Went sailing o'er the bounding blue 

Cargoed with apple sass. 



22 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

She sailed around Ogunkit Bay 

Down past the Banks of Quogue, 
And on a brilliant summer's day, 
Just off the coast of Mandelay, 
She landed in a fog. 

So brace the topsails close, my lads, 
And stow your grog, my crew, 

For the waves are steep and the fog is deep 
Round the Nancy P. D. Q. 

As in the fog she groped around — 

The night was black as soot — 
She ran against Long Island Sound, 

Out where the codfish toot. 
And when the moon rose o'er the scene 

So smiling, sweet and bland, 
She poked her nose so sharp and keen— 
'Twas freshly painted olive green — 

Deep in a bar of sand. 

So splice the garboard strakes, my lads, 
And reef the starboard screw — 

For it sticks like tar, that sandy bar, 
To the Nancy P. D. Q. 



THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 23 

O the Skipper swore with a "Yeave-ho-ho! " 

And the crew replied "Hi-hi!" 
And then, with a cheerful "Heave-ho-yo," 

They pumped the bowsprit dry. 
"Three cheers !" the Mate cried with a sneeze 

" Hurrah for this old boat! 
She sails two knots before the breeze, 
But on the bar, by Jingo, she's 

The fastest thing afloat !" 

So up with the gallant flag, my lads, 

With a hip-hip-hip-hooroo, 
For the liner fast is now outclassed 

By -the Nancy P. D. Q. 

Alice scratched her chin in perplexity, 
but the Hatter never stopped. 

"I got an idea from that ballad/ ' he 
rattled on. "If you want trains fast 
you've got to build 'em fast." 

1 Yes, but if they don't go — how does 
anybody get anywhere?" asked Alice. 

'They can get off and walk," said 
the Hatter. "And it's a great deal less 
dangerous getting off a train that doesn't 
move than off one that does." 



24 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

"I can see that," said Alice. "That 
weasel, for instance, would have been 
badly hurt if he had been thrown through 
the window of a moving car." 




REQUESTED THE HATTER TO CRACK A FILBERT FOR HIM 



" That's it exactly," said the Hatter. 
"As Alderman March Hare puts it, we 
M. O. people are after the comfort and 
safety of the people first, last and all the 



THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 25 

time. Everything else is a tertiary con- 
sideration merely." 

" What's tertiary ?" asked Alice. 

" Third," said the Hatter. " To come 
in third. It's a combination of turtle 
and dromedary." 

Just at this moment a man walking 
through the car stopped and requested 
the Hatter to crack a filbert for him, 
which the Hatter cheerfully did. The 
passer-by thanked him and paid him a 
cent, which the Hatter immediately rang 
up on a small cash register on his vest, 
as required by the laws of Blunderland. 

" That's the way the Municipal Owner- 
ship of Teeth works," said the Hatter as 
the man passed on, and then he resumed. 
"This street railway business, however, 
was a much harder proposition than the 
Municipal Ownership of Teeth. When 
we took the railways over of course we 
had to run 'em on the old system until 
we'd learned the business. The first 
thing we did was to get educated men for 



26 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

Motormen and Conductors — polite fel- 
lows, you know, who'd stop a car when 
you asked 'em to, and when they started 
wouldn't do it with such a jerk that in 
nine cases out of ten it was only the back 
door that kept the car from being yanked 
clean from under your feet, letting you 
land in the street behind." 

" I know," said Alice. " Like a game 
of snap the whip." 

" Exactly," said the Hatter. " Under 
the old method of starting a car you never 
knew, when you were going home nights, 
whether you'd land in the bosom of your 
family or in a basket of eggs somebody 
was bringing home from market. So 
we advertised for polite motormen and 
conductors, and we got a great lot of them, 
mostly retired druggists, floor-walkers, 
poets and fellows like that, with a few 
ex-politicians thrown in to give tone to 
the service, and we put them on, but they 
didn't know anything about motoring, 
unfortunately. Somehow or other good 



THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 27 

manners and expert motoring didn't 
seem to go together, and in consequence 
we had a fearful lot of collisions at first. 
I don't think there was a whole back 




"banged into the car ahead" 



platform in the outfit at the end of the 
week, no matter which way the car was 
going.' ' 

" Must have been awful," said Alice. 

"It was," said the Hatter, " and the 
public began to complain. One man who 



28 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

got his nose pinched between two cars 
sued us for damages and we had to return 
his fare. Finally one day one of the old 
bobtail cars got running away, and the 
first we knew it banged into the car ahead 
and went right through it, coming out 
in front still going like mad after the next 
car, and we knew something had to be 
done." 

"Mercy!" cried Alice. "I should 
think the passengers in the first car would 
have sued you for that." 

"They would have," said the Hatter, 
"if they could have scraped enough of 
themselves together again to appear in 
court." 

"It was a hard problem,' ' said the 
March Hare. 

"The hardest ever," asserted the 
Hatter. "But the White Knight there 
gave me a clue to the solution — he's our 
Copperation Council — and I put it up 
to him for an opinion, and after thinking 
it over for two months he reported. The 



THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 29 

only way to prevent collisions, said he, 
is to cut the ends off the cars. That was 
it, wasnt' it, Judge ?" he added, turning 
to the White Knight. 

"Yes," said the Knight, "only I put 
it in poetry. My precise words were 

The only way that I can find 
To stop this car colliding stunt 

Is cutting off the end behind 
And likewise that in front.' ' 

" Splendid !" cried Alice, clapping her 
hands in glee. " That's fine." 

" Thank you," said the White Knight 
" You see, Miss Alice, I made a personal 
study of collisions. The Mayor here 
ordered a fresh one every day for me to 
investigate, and I noticed that whenever 
two cars bunked into each other it was 
always at the ends and never in the 
middle. The conclusion was inevitable. 
The ends being the venerable spot, abolish 
them." 

11 A very careful and conscientious 



3 o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 



public ser- 
vant," whis- 
pered the 
March Hare 
aside to Alice. 
"When we 
have Munici- 
pal Owner- 
ship of the 
Federal Gov- 
ernment we're 
going to put 
him on the 
Supreme 
Court Bench. He means vulnerable when 
he says venerable, but you mustn't mind 
that. When we have Municipal Owner- 
ship of the English Language well make 
the words mean what we want 'em to." 
"Then of course the question arose 
as to how we could do this," said the 
Hatter. "I got the Chief Engineer of 
our Department of Public Works to make 
some experiments, and would you believe 




"the chief engineer' 



THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 31 



it, when we cut the ends off the cars, there 
were still other ends left ? No matter how 
far we clipped 'em, it was the same. It's 
a curious scientific fact that you can't 
cut off the end of anything and leave it 
endless. We tried it with a lot of things — 
cars, lengths of hose, coils of wire, rope — 
everything we could think of — always 
with the same result. Ends were endless, 
but nothing else was. As a matter of 
fact they multi- 
plied on us. 
One car that 
had two ends 
when we began 
was cut in the 
middle, and 
then was found 
to have four 
ends instead of 
two." 

" That's so, 
isn't it!" cried 

rillCe, "it CAME TO ME LIKE A FLASH* 




32 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

" It unquestionably is," said the Hat- 
ter, " and we were at our wits' ends until 
one night it came to me like a flash. I 
had gone to bed on a Park Bench, accord- 
ing to my custom of using nothing that 
is not owned by the city, for I am very 
serious about this thing, when just as I 
was dozing off the whole scheme unfolded 
itself. Build a circular car, of course. 
One big enough to go all around the city. 
That would solve so many problems. 
With only one car, there'd be no car 
ahead, which always irritates people who 
miss it and then have to take it later. 
With only one car, there could be no col- 
lisions. With only one car we could get 
along with only one motorman and one 
conductor at a time, thus giving the others 
time to go to dancing school and learn 
good manners. With only one car, and 
that a permanent fixture, nobody could 
miss it. If it didn't move we could 
economise on motive power, and even 
bounce the motorman without injury to 



THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 33 

the service, if he should happen to be 
impudent to the Board of Aldermen; 
nobody would be run over by it ; nobody 
would be injured getting on and off; it 
wouldn't make any difference if the 
motorman didn't see the passenger who 
wanted to get aboard. Being circular 
there' d always be room enough to go 
around, and there'd be no front or back 
platform for the people to stand on or 
get thrown off of going round the curves. 
The expenses of keeping up the roadbed 
would be nothing, because, being motion- 
less, the car wouldn't jolt even if it ran 
over a thank-you-marm a mile high, and 
best of all, a circular car has no ends to 
collide with other ends, which makes it 
absolutely safe. I never heard of a car 
colliding with itself, did you?" 

" No, I never did," replied Alice. 

" Nor I neither," said the March Hare. 
"I don't think it ever happened, and 
therefore I reason that it ain't going to 
happen," 



34 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

"And how do the people like it?" 
asked Alice. 

" O, they're getting to like it," replied 
the Hatter. "At first they didn't want 
to ride on the thing at all. They said 
what you did, that they didn't seem to 
be getting anywhere, and they hated to 
walk home, but after awhile we proved 
to them that walking was a very healthful 
exercise, and on rainy nights they found 
the covered car a good deal of a con- 
venience, especially when under the old 
system of private ownership of umbrellas 
they had left their bumbershoots at 
home. Once or twice they lost their 
tempers and sassed the conductor, but 
he put them in jail for lazy majesty — a 
German disease that we have imported 
for the purpose. As an officer of the 
Government the conductor has a right 
to arrest anybody who sasses him as 
guilty of sedition, and a night or two in 
jail takes the fun out of that." 

"Have you had any elections since 



THE IMMOVABLE TROLLEY 35 

you established it?" asked Alice, whose 
father had once run for Mayor, and who 
therefore knew something about politics. 

"No," said the Hatter with an easy 
laugh. "But we will have one in the 
spring. We shall be reelected all right/ ' 

"How do you know?" asked Alice. 
11 If the people don't like Municipal 
Ownership " 

"O, but they do," said the March 
Hare. "You see, Miss Alice, we have 
employed a safe majority of the voters 
in the various Departments of our M. O. 
system, their terms expiring coinciden- 
tally with our own — so if they vote 
against us they vote against themselves. 
It really makes Municipal Ownership 
self -perpetrating. ' ' 

"He means perpetuating," whispered 
the March Hare. 

"Ah," said Alice. "I see." 

Just then a heavy gong like a huge 
fire alarm sounded and all the passengers 
sprang to their feet and made for the doors, 



36 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

"What's that?" cried Alice, timidly, 
as she rose up hurriedly with all the rest. 

" Don't be alarmed. It's only the 
signal that our time is up," said the 
Hatter. "We must get out now and 
make room for others who may wish to 
use the cars. Nobody can monopolise 
anything under our system. I will now 
take you to see our Gas and Hot Air 
Plant. It is one of the seven wonders of 
the world." 

And the little party descended into 
the street. 



CHAPTER III 

THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 

AFTER the little party had descended 
from the marvellous trolley, con- 
cerning which the March Hare observed, 
most properly, that under private owner- 
ship nothing so safe and sane would ever 
have been thought of, they walked along 
a beautiful highway, bordered with rose- 
bushes, oleanders and geraniums, until 
they came to a lovely little park at the 
entrance to which was a huge sign 
announcing that within was 

THE BLUNDERLAND GAS PLANT. 

To tell the truth Alice had not cared 
particularly to visit the Gas Works, 
because she had once been driven through 
what was known at home as the Gas- 
House district on her way to the ferry, 

37 



38 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

and her recollections of it were not alto- 
gether pleasant. As she recalled it it 
was in a rather squalid neighbourhood, 
and the odours emanating from it were 
not pleasing to what she called her ' ' oil- 
factories.' ' But here in Blunderland all 
was different. Instead of the huge ugly 
retorts rising up out of the ground, sur- 
rounded by a quality of air that one could 
not breathe with comfort, was as beautiful 
a garden as anyone could wish to wander 
through, and at its centre there stood a 
retort, but not one that looked like a 
great iron skull cap painted red. On 
the contrary the Municipally Owned 
retort had architecturally all the classic 
beauty of a Carnegie Library. 

"We call it the Retort Courteous," 
said the Hatter pridefully as he gazed at 
the structure, and smiled happily as he 
noted Alice's very evident admiration 
for it. "You see, in urban affairs, as a 
mere matter of fitness, we believe in 
cultivating urbanity, my child, and in 



THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 39 

consequence everything we do is con- 
ceived in a spirit of courtesy. The gas- 
houses under private ownership have not 
been what you would call polite. They 
were almost invariably heavy, rude, star- 
ing structures that reared themselves 
offensively in the public eye, and our first 
effort was to subliminate " 

"Ee-liminate," whispered the March 
Hare. 

"I beg your pardon, Mr. Hare," 
retorted the Hatter. "I did not mean 
ee-liminate, which means to suppress, 
but subliminate, which means to sub- 
limify or make sublime. I guess I know 
my own language." 

"Excuse me," said the March Hare 
meekly. "I haven't studied the M. O. 
Dictionary beyond the letter Q, Mr. 
Mayor, and I was not aware that the 
Common Council had as yet passed 
favourably upon subliminate, either," he 
added with some feeling. 

"That is because it was not until 



4 o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

yesterday that the Copperation Council 
decided that subliminate was a constitu- 
tional word," said the Hatter sharply. 
"In view of his report to me, which I 
wrote myself and therefore know the 
provisions of, he states that subliminate 
is a perfectly just and proper word involv- 
ing no infringement upon the rights of 
others, and in no wise impairing the value 
of innocent vested interests, and is there- 
fore legal. Therefore, I shall use it 
whether the Common Council approves 
it or not. If they resolve that it is not a 
good word, I shall veto the resolution. 
If you don't like it I'll send you your 
resignation." 

" That being the case," said the March 
Hare, "I withdraw my objections." 

"Which," observed the Hatter tri- 
umphantly, turning to Alice, " shows you, 
my dear young lady, the very great value 
of the Municipal Ownership idea as 
applied to the Board of Aldermen. As 
the White Knight put it in one of his 



THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 41 

poetical reports printed in Volume 347, 
of the Copperation Council's Opinions 
for October, 1906, page 926, 

A City may not own its Gas, 

Its Barber Shops, or Cars 
It may not raise Asparagrass, 

Or run Official Bars; 
It may not own a big Hotel 

Or keep a Public Hen, 
But it will always find it well 

To own its Aldermen. 

When Aldermen were owned by private 
interests the public interests suffered, but 
in this town where the City Fathers be- 
long to the City they have to do what 
the City tells them to, or get out." 

It sounds good," was all that Alice 
could think of to say. 

" What I was trying to tell you when 
the Alderman interpolated — " the Hat- 
ter went on. 

" There he goes again!" growled the 
March Hare. 



42 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

" Was that the first thing we did when 
we took over the Gas Plant was to sub- 
limify the externals of the works along 
lines of Architectural and Olfactoreal 
beauty both to the eye and to the nose, 
two organs of the human structure that 
private interests seldom pay much atten- 
tion to. I asked myself two questions. 
First, is it necessary for a gas works to 
be ugly? Second, is it necessary for gas 
works to be so odourwhiiferous that the 
smell of the Automobile is a dream of 
fragrant beauty alongside of it? To both 
these questions the answer was plain. 
Of course it ain't. Beauty can be applied 
to the lines of a gas-tank just as readily 
as to the lines of a hippopotamus, and as 
for the odours, they are due to the fact 
that gas as it is now made does not smell 
pleasantly, but there is no reason why it 
should not be so manufactured that peo- 
ple would be willing to use it on their 
handkerchiefs. I learned that Professor 
Burbank of California had developed a 



THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 43 

cactus plant that could be used for a sofa 
cushion — why, I asked myself, could he 
not develop a gas-plant that will put 
forth flowers the perfume of which should 
make that of the violet, and the rose, 
sink into inoculated desoupitude ? " 

''It hardly seems possible, does it?" 
said Alice. 

"To a private mind it presents in- 
superable difficulties," said the Hatter, 
"but to a public mind like my own 
nothing is impossible. If a man can 
do a seemingly impossible thing with 
one plant there is no reason why he 
shouldn't do a seemingly impossible thing 
with another plant, so I immediately 
wrote to Professor Burbank offering 
him a hundred thousand dollars in Blund- 
erland Deferred Debenture Gas Improve- 
ment Bonds a year to come here and 
see what he could do to transmogrify 
our gas-plant." 

"Oh, I am so glad," cried Alice de- 
lightedly. " I should so love to meet 



44 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

Mr. Burbank and thank him for inventing 
the coreless apple -" 

" You don't means the Corliss Engine, 
do you?" asked the White Knight. 

"Well, I'm sorry," said the Hatter, 
" but Mr. Burbank wouldn't come unless 
we'd pay him real money, which, although 
we don't publish the fact broadcast, is 
not in strict accord with the highest 
principles of Municipal Ownership. We 
contend that when people work for the 
common weal they ought to be satisfied 
to receive their pay in the common wealth, 
and under the M. O. system the most 
common kind of wealth is represented by 
Bonds. Consequently we wrote again 
to Mr. Burbank, and expressed our regret 
that a man of his genius should care more 
for his own selfish interests than for the 
public weal, and as a sort of sarcasm on 
his meanness I enclosed five of our 2963 
Guaranteed Extension four per cents to 
pay for the two-cent stamp he had put 
upon his letter." 



THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 45 

"What are the 2963 Guaranteed Ex- 
tension four per cents? " asked Alice. 

They are sinking fund bonds payable 
in 2963, only we guarantee to extend the 
date of payment to 3963 in case the sink- 




ing fund has 
sunk so low we 
don't feel like pay- 
ing them in 2963," 
explained the Hat- "studying the economic theories 

,, T . , . OF DR. WACK" 

ter. It s an in- 
genious financial idea that I got from 
studying the economic theories of Dr. 
Wack, Professor of Repudiation and Other 
Political Economies at the Wack Busi- 
ness College at Squantumville, Florida. 
It is the only economic theory I know 
of that absolutely prevents debt from 



46 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

becoming a burden. But that aside, when 
Mr. Burbank showed that he preferred 
fooling with such futile things as pine- 
apples and hollyhocks, to the really up- 
lifting work of providing the people with 
gas that was redolent of the spices of 
Araby, I resolved to do the thing myself/ ' 

" He is a man of real inventive genius, ' ' 
said the March Hare, anxious, apparently, 
to square himself with the Hatter again. 

" Thank you, Alderman,' ' said the 
Hatter. "It is a real pleasure to find 
myself strictly in accord with your views 
once more. But to resume, Miss Alice — 
as I say I resolved to tackle the problem 
myself/' 

" Fine," said Alice. " So you went in 
and studied how to make gas the old way 
and then " 

"Not at all," interrupted the Hatter. 
" Not at all. That would have been fatal. 
I found that everybody who knew how 
to make gas the old way said the thing 
was impossible. Hence, I reasoned, the 



THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 47 

man who will find it possible must be 
somebody who never knew anything 
about the old way of making gas, and 
nobody in the whole world knew less 
about it than I. Manifestly then I 
became the chosen instrument to work 
the reform, so I plunged in and you really 
can't imagine how easy it all turned out. 
I had no old prejudices in gas-making to 
overcome, no set, finicky ideas to serve as 
obstacles to progress, and inside of a week 
I had it. I filled the gas tanks half full 
of cologne, and then pumped hot air 
through them until they were chock full. 
I figured it out that cologne was nothing 
more than alcohol flavoured with axio- 
matic oils " 

" Aromatic,' ' interrupted the March 
Hare, forgetting himself for the moment. 

The Hatter frowned heavily upon the 
Alderman, and there is no telling what 
would have happened had not the White 
Knight interfered to protect the offender. 

" It's still an open question, Mr. 



48 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

Mayor/' he observed, "if axiomatic ap- 
plied to a scent is constitutional. If an 
odour should become axiomatic we could 
never get rid of it you see, and I think the 
Alderman has distinguished authority 
for his correction, which " 




THE WHITE KNIGHT INTERFERED 



" very well, ' ' said the Hatter. " Let 
it go. I prefer axiomatic, but the private 
predilections of an official should not be 
permitted to influence his official actions. 
I intend always to operate within the 
limits of the law, so if the law says 
aromatic, aromatic be it. I figured that 



THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 49 

cologne was nothing more than alcohol 
flavoured with aromatic oils, and that 
inasmuch as both alcohol and oil burn 
readily, there was no reason why hot air 
passed through them should not burn 
also, and carry off some of the aroma as 
well." 

" It certainly was a very pretty idea," 
said Alice. 

"All the M. O. ideas are pretty," said 
the March Hare. "It is only the question 
of reducing beauty to the basis of prac- 
tical utility that confronts us." 

"And how did it work?" asked Alice, 
very much interested. 

"Beautifully," said the Hatter. 
" Only it wouldn't burn — just why I 
haven't been able to find out. But in the 
matter of perfume it was fine. People 
who turned on their jets the first night 
soon found their houses smelling like 
bowers of roses, and a great many of them 
liked it so much that they turned on every 
jet in the house, and left them turned on 



5 o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 



all day, so that in the mere 
matter of consumption 
twice as much of my aro- 
matic illuminating air was 





IN THE MATTER OF PERFUME IT WAS FINE 



used in a week as the companies had 
charged for under the old system, and 
we used the same metres, too. In addi- 
tion to this, as a mere life-saving device, 
my invention proved to have a wonderful 
value. In the first place nobody could 
blow it out and be found gas-fixturated 

the next morning " 

"Good word that — so much more 
expressive than the old privately owned 



THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 51 



dictionary word asphyxiated/' said the 
March Hare. 

The Hatter nodded his appreciation of 
the March Hare's compliment, and ad- 
mitted him once more to his good graces. 

"And nobody could commit suicide 
with it the way they used to do with the 
old kind 
of gas, 
because, 
you see, 
it was, 
after all, 
only hot 
air, which 
is good 
for the 
lungs 
which- 
ever way 
it'sgoing, 
in or out. 
We use 

11 O u a 1 r •« nobody could be gas-fixtuhated " 




52 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

all the time in our Administration and 
it is wonderful what results you can get 
from it," he went on. " But it wouldn't 
light. In fact when anybody tried to 
light it, such was the pressure, it blew out 
the match, which I regard as an additional 
point in its favour. If we have gas that 
blows out matches the minute the match 
is applied to it, does not that reduce the 
chance of fire from the careless habit some 
people have of throwing lighted matches 
into the waste-basket ?" 

"It most certainly does," said the 
White Knight gravely, and in such tones 
of finality that Alice did not venture to 
dispute his assertion. 

"We're all agreed upon that point/ ' 
said the Hatter. " But there were com- 
plaints of course. Some people, mostly 
capitalists who were rich enough to have 
libraries of their own, complained that 
they couldn't read nights because the gas 
wouldn't light. I replied that if they 
wanted to read they could go to the 



THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 53 

Public Library, where there were oil 
lamps, and electric lights. Besides read- 
ing at night is bad for the eyes. Others 
objected that they couldn't see to go to 
bed. The answer to that was simple 
enough. People don't need to see to go 
to bed. They may need to see when they 
are dressing in the morning, but when 
they go to bed all they have to do is to 
take their clothes off and go, and I added 
that people who didn't know enough to 
do that had better have nurses. Finally 
some of the chief kickers got up a mass- 
meeting and protested that the new gas 
wasn't gas at all, and in view of that fact 
refused to pay their gas tax." 

" Oho! " said Alice. " That was pretty 
serious I should think." 

11 It seemed so at first," said the Hat- 
ter, "but just then the beauty of the 
Municipal Ownership scheme stepped in. 
I called a special meeting of the Common 
Council and they settled the question 
once for all." 



54 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

11 Good ! " cried Alice. " How did they 
do it?" 

"They passed a resolution/ ' said the 
Hatter, "unanimously declaring the aro- 
matic hot-air to be gas of the most 
excellent quality, and made it a misde- 
meanor for anybody to say that it wasn't. 
I signed the ordinance and from that 
minute on our gas was gas by law." 

"Still," said Alice, "those people had 
already said it wasn't. Did they back 
down?" 

"Most of 'em did," laughed the 
Hatter. "And the rest were fined $500 
apiece and sent to jail for six months. 
You see we made the law sufficiently 
retroactive to grab the whole bunch. 
Since then there have been no com- 
plaints." 

Whereupon the Hatter invited Alice 
to stroll through the gas-plant with him, 
which the little girl did, and declared it 
later to have been sweeter than a walk 
through a rose-garden, which causes me 



THE AROMATIC GAS PLANT 55 

to believe that the Mayor's scheme was a 
pretty wonderful one after all, and quite 
worthy of a Hatter thrust by the vagaries 
of politics into the difficult business of 
gas making. 



CHAPTER IV 

THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 

AFTER Alice and her companions had 
enjoyed the aromatic delights of the 
Blunderland Gas Plant the Hatter and 
his Cabinet went into executive session 
for a few hours to decide where they 
should go next. The interests of Blunder- 
land were so varied that this was a some- 
what difficult matter to settle, especially 
as Mr. Alderman March Hare, who was 
a great stickler for the rights of the hon- 
ourable body to which he belonged, 
wished to have the question referred to 
a special meeting of the Common Council. 
The White Knight as Corporation Coun- 
sel, however, advised the Hatter that 
there was no warrant in law compelling 
him to accede to the March Hare's 

demand. 

56 



THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 57 

"The Municipal Ownership of Rub- 
bernecks act has not yet been passed," 
he observed. "Consequently visitors 
to our City can be shown about in 
any way in which the party in charge 
chooses to choose.' ' 

"All 
right if 
you say 
so," said 
March 
Hare 
coldly. 
"Only I'd 
like to 
have that 
opinion 

1 II Writ- "wrote on the side of a convenient gas tank" 

ing. Pub- 
lic officials nowadays are too prune to 
deny " 

u Prone, I guess you mean," laughed 
the Hatter gleefully. 

"I prefer prune," said the March 




5 8 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

Hare, with dignity. " Public officials are 
too prune nowadays to deny what they 
say in private conversation to encourage 
me to take any chances." 

"Certainly," returned the White 
Knight. " I'll write it out for you with 
pleasure." Whereupon, taking a piece 
of chalk from his pocket, he wrote with 
it on the side of a convenient gas tank 
the following opinion: 

IN RE WHAT TO DO NEXT 

Opinion 7,543,467,223. Liber 2 9 . Gas 
Tank No. 6 

You can go to the People's Shoe Shop, 
Or down to the new Town Pump. 
You can visit the Civic Glue Shop, 
Or call on the Public Chump. 

You can visit the Social Rooster, 
Or sample Municipal Cheese — 
In wshort you can do what you choose ter, 
And go where you dee dash please. 

(vSigned) John Doe White Knight, 
Copperation Counsel. 



THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 59 

Meanwhile Alice had been turned over 
to the Chief of Police to be cared for, 
and was charmed to discover that that 
individual was none other than her old 
friend the Dormouse whom she had met 
in her trip through Wonderland at the 




I M THE SOUNDEST SLEEPER IN TOWN " 



Hatter's tea- 
party. 

"How did 
you ever come 
to be Chief of 
Police ?" she 
cried delightedly, as she recognised him. 

"I'm the soundest sleeper in town," 
he replied with a yawn, " so they made me 
head of the force. You see, young lady, 
the great trouble with the average police- 
man is that he's too wide-awake, and 
that leads to graft. When the Hatter's 



6o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

Municipal Police Commission looked into 
the question they found that the Cop who 
spent most of his time asleep spent less of 
his time clubbing people who wouldn't 
whack up with him on the profits of their 
business. Every ossifer who has been 
convicted of petty larceny in the past, 
the records show, has been a fellow who 
stayed awake most of the time, and no 
ossifer has ever yet been known to go in 
for graft or get a record for clubbing 
innocent highwaymen over the head while 
he was asleep either on a Park Bench, or 
in an alleyway. Consequently, says they, 
Mr. Dormouse who wakes up only on 
every fifth Thursday in February will 
make the best Police ossifer in the bunch, 
and being the best had ought to be chose 
chief. Hence accordingly, it became thus. 
Moreover I am a champion Tea Drinker." 

" What's that got to do with it?" 
demanded Alice. 

" Everything," said the Dormouse, 
rubbing his eyes sleepily. " Every blessed 



THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 61 

thing. Tea Drinking is one of our hardest 
duties under the new system providing 
for the Municipal Ownership of Every- 
thing In Sight Including the Cop on the 
Corner. You see when the City grabbed 
up the Bakeries, and the Trolleys, and the 
Grand Opera House, and the Condensed 
Milk Factory, and the Saw Mills, and the 
Breakfast Food Jungles, all envy, hatred 
and malice disappeared. Everybody 
loved his neighbour better than he did 
himself or his wife's family, and con- 
sequently hence there was therefore no 
crime, which left the Policeman out of a 
job. The only Burglars left in town were 
the regularly appointed official safe- 
crackers representing the Municipal Own- 
ership of Petty and Grand Larceny. 
The only gambling houses left were under 
the direct supervision of the Mayor acting 
ex-officio and the Chairman of the Alder- 
manic Committee on Faro and Roulette. 
The Game of Bunco became a duly 
authorised official diversion under con- 



62 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

trol of the Tax Assessors, and the Town 
Toper, being elected by popular vote, 
could get as leery as he pleased by public 
consent. Life Insurance Agents became 
likewise Public Servants under the Gen- 
eral Ordinance of 1905 starting the Civic 
Tontine Parlours where people were com- 
pelled to buy Life Insurance from the 
City itself at so much a yard." 

"A- yard?" cried Alice. 

" Yep, ■ ' yawned the Dormouse. " Pol- 
icies were issued anywhere from three 
inches to a yard long, each inch represent- 
ing a year. If you bought a mile of Life 
Insurance you were insured for as many 
years as there are inches in a mile. I never 
could stay awake long enough to figure 
out how much that is, but it's several 
years." 

"But what did the Agents have to 
do?" asked Alice. "If people had to 
take it " 

"They went out and grabbed delin- 
quents/ ' said the Dormouse. 



THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 63 

" I shouldn't think people would need 
life insurance for the benefit of their fam- 
ilies if everybody has everything he wants 
in Blunderland," put in Alice. 

"They don't," said the Dormouse, 
rapping his head with his club to keep 
from dropping off to sleep. "It ain't 
for the benefit of their families — it's for 
the benefit of the City. A City like this 
can use benefits to great advantages most 
all the time. But you see the results 
of Municipalising all sorts of crime from 
straight burglary up to life insurance 
resulted in the Police having nothing 
to do. There wasn't anybody to arrest, 
or to quell, or to club, and so they turned 
us into a social organisation and that's 
where Tea Drinking comes in strong. 
Every afternoon at five o'clock, tea is 
served on every corner in Blunderland 
by the Policeman on beat. They have 
become quite a public function, but 
they're a trifle hard on the police who 
don't care for tea, because we have to be 



64 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

very polite and take it with everybody 
who comes up, and be nice and chatty 
into the bargain. In addition to this 
we are required to go to dances and take 
care of the wall-flowers and make our- 
selves generally agreeable. It is one of 




TEA IS SERVED ON EVERY CORNER 



the laws of Blunderland that all girls are 
born free and equal in the pursuit of life, 
liberty and german favours, and when 
any of the Terpsichorean Force finds a 
girl with red hair and snub nose with 
freckles on it decorating the wall and 
being neglected at a cotillion, it is his 
duty to plunge in and either dance with 
her himself, or put some Willieboy under 



THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 65 

arrest until he calls her out and gives 
her the time of her life. You can't 
imagine what wonderful results this Muni- 
cipal Control of that social situation 
has done in the line of popularising plain 
girls." 

"It sounds very interesting, " Alice 
ventured. " I should think the girls 
would like it." 

11 They do, ' ' said the Dormouse. " The 
only objection to it comes from the Willie- 
boys, but nobody cares much what they 
think because there aren't many of them 
that can think." 

" And is that all you do? " asked Alice. 

"Oh, no indeed," said the Dormouse. 
"We keep reserves for Bridge Parties 
at the Station all the time, so that if 
any taxpayer ever needs a fourth hand 
to make up a game all he has to do is to 
ring up headquarters and get an ossifer 
to come up and play. In addition to this 
we look after old ladies who want to go 
shopping and aren't strong enough to 



66 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

break through the rush line at the bar- 
gain counters. And then once in a while 
somebody's baby will wake up at three 
o'clock in the morning and demand the 
moon, and we go up and attend to it." 

"What?" cried Alice in amazement. 
" You don't mean to say you give it the 
moon?" 

"Not exactly," said the Dormouse. 
"We just promise to give it. That's 
one of the strong points about Municipal 
Ownership. It's the easiest system to 
make promises under you ever knew. 
You can promise anything, and later on 
if you don't make good you can promise 
something better, and so on. It works 
very well in a great many places. 

" But that isn't really what we go up 
to the house for. We go up to relieve 
the poor tired parents who have been 
working hard all day and are too weary 
to walk up and down the floor with the 
baby. We respond immediately to the 
call, grab up the baby and walk the floor 



THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 67 

with him until he is quiet again. Once 
last winter a chap with three pairs of 
twins six months, a year and a half, and 
three years old respectively, had to send 
for the patrol wagon. All six of 'em 




WE RESPOND IMMEDIATELY TO THE CALL 



waked up and began to squall at once 
and we sent seven ossifers and a sergeant 
up to look after them. They had to 
parade around that house from 2 a. m. 
until seven-thirty before those babies 
quit yelling.' ' 

Just at this moment the Dormouse 



68 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

was interrupted in his story by a raggedly 
dressed old man on a pair of crutches 
who begged an alms of him. 

"Only a dollar, sir," he asked pite- 
ously. " Only a dollar to relieve a 
terrible case of distress." 

"Certainly, Simpkins," said the Dor- 
mouse kindly. " I — well I'll be jig- 
gered — " he added, feeling through his 
pockets. "I must have left my money 
at home. Maybe this young lady can 
help you out. Miss Alice, permit me 
to introduce you to Simpkins. He's the 
most successful beggar in nineteen 
counties." 

"Glad to meet you," said Alice, 
shaking hands with Simpkins. 

"You couldn't spare a dollar, could 
you, Miss?" whined the Beggar. "It 
will relieve a terrible case of distress 
Ma'am." 

"Why — yes," said Alice, suddenly 
remembering that she had a silver dollar 
in her pocket. "Here it is." 



THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 69 

And she handed it to Simpkins who 
thanked her profusely. 

u How's business?" asked the 
Dormouse. 

"Fine," said Simpkins, executing a 




2^>v 




MADE OFF WITH THE 
AGILITY OF AN ANTELOPE 



jig. " I've collected $800 
since eleven o'clock this 
morning." 

Whereupon, forget- 
ting his crutches, he made 
off up the street with the 
agility of an antelope. Alice gazed after 
him in wonder. 

"I — I didn't suppose you had any 
beggars in Blunderland," said she. 

"He's the only one," replied the Dor- 
mouse. "He's the official Beggar of the 



7o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

Town. He gets $25,000 in Tenth De- 
ferred Reorganisation Certificates a year 
— which, if the Certificates pay ten cents 
on the dollar, as we hope, will turn out to 
be a good salary in the end." 

" But why does he beg? Who gets the 
money ?" asked Alice. 

' ' The City, ' ' said the Dormouse. ' 'Once 
in a while when the Printing Plant gets 
clogged up with large orders of Bonds for 
our various enterprises, the City has to 
get hold of a few dollars of real money, so 
they send Simpkins out for it. I believe 
he's out to-day trying to raise the inter- 
est on the Sixteenth Mortgage Extension 
Bonds on the Municipal Cigarette Plant 
purchased year before last. It's ten 
months overdue and the former owners 
have asked the Government to smoke 
up." 

"Oh!" said Alice. "Is the Printing 
Plant clogged up?" 

"Unmercifully," said the Dormouse. 
11 Not to say teetotally. They're prepar- 



THE CITY-OWNED POLICE 71 

ing their Christmas issues in Magazine 
form, and that means a terrible lot of 
extra work. I don't believe the way 
things look now that the City will be able 
to print the money for last January's pay- 
roll until somewhere around the next 
Fourth of July, and if that's the case poor 
old Simpkins will either have to work 
overtime or get a half-dozen Deputy 
Assistant Beggars to put the town in 
funds. I'm expecting to have the Police 
put on that job at any minute." 

Alice was silent for a moment, and the 
Dormouse went on. 

" What do you think of the Municipal 
Ownership of the Police idea?" he asked. 

"It's fine," said Alice. "But I 
thought all Cities owned their police 
force." 

"A great many people think that," 
laughed the Dormouse. "But it isn't 
so." 

"It is in New York and Chicago — I 
heard my Papa say so once," said Alice. 



72 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

Again the Dormouse laughed. 

"Well," he said. "I don't want to 
cast any asparagus on your father's 
intelligence, but he's wrong. The Police 
may own New York and Chicago, but 
New York and Chicago don't own the 
police — not by a long shot." 

"Who does, then?" demanded Alice. 

"The Lord only knows," laughed the 
Dormouse. " Some people say John Doe, 
and other people say the Man Higher Up, 
but which it is, or who either of 'em may 
be, I haven't the slightest idea. Maybe 
they belong to the Copper Trust." 

And then with a sly wink at the little 
maid the Dormouse turned over and went 
to sleep. 



CHAPTER V 

THE MUNICIPAPHONE 

ARMED with the Copperation Coun- 
sel's opinion authorising him to 
do whatever he pleased next, the Hatter 
decided that he would give Alice a 




demonstration of the workings of the 
Municipaphone. 

73 



74 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

1 Which/ ' said he proudly, " I consider 
to be the most Democraticising thing I 
have ever invented. You can talk all 
you please about Universal Brotherhood, 
Unlimited Sisterhood, and the Infinity of 
Unclehood, but all of these movements 
put together haven't done as much to 
promote the equality of everybody as 
that Municipaphone idea of mine." 

Alice thought the Cheshire Cat's grin 
expanded slightly as the Hatter spoke, 
but she was not sure, although he most 
assuredly did wink at her. 

"I should admire to see it," she said. 
"What is it, just?" 

"It is the result of the Municipal 
Ownership of the Telephone," returned 
the Hatter proudly. "We have taken 
over everything that works by electricity 
— electric lighting, the telegraph, the 



telephone " 

"Even the thunder and lightning," 
interrupted the White Knight. "And 
under our management everything runs 



THE MUNICIPAPHONE 75 

so smoothly that even the lightning 
doesn't strike any more. That's a great 
thing in Municipal Ownership. There 
aren't any more strikes under it." 

"What he says is true, my child," 
said the Hatter, " and in time we expect 
to get the thunder itself under control so 
that it will serve some useful purpose — I 
don't know yet exactly what, but I am 
having experiments made in storage 
batteries which will catch and hold the 
thunder with the idea of saving the noise 
it makes for fire-crackers, or Presidential 
salutes, or other things and occasions 
where the fracturing of silence seems 
desirable. Surely if we can take elec- 
tricity and under suitable Municipal 
supervision make it serve as a substitute 
for a tallow dip, why shouldn't we extract 
the reverberance with which it is fraught 
to add to the general clangour of joyous 
occasions?" 

"No reason at all," said Alice. "I 
wonder no one has ever thought of that 



76 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

before. Just think of all the magnificent 
noises that go to waste in a thunder- 
storm." 

"You will discover in time, my dear 
child, that only under the Municipal 
Ownership of Brains such as we have here, 
can such great ideas be seized from the 
infinity of nothingness and turned into 
an irresistible propaganda," said the 
Hatter loftily. 

"He's the biggest gander of the 
bunch," whispered the March Hare. 

" But it isn't what we are going to do, 
but what we have done that we propose 
to show you," continued the Hatter, 
eyeing the March Hare coldly. "And 
as I have said, the Municipaphone is my 
crowning achievement. Just come here 
and I will show you." 

The Hatter led Alice to a nearby lamp- 
post, and pointing to a little box fastened 
to the middle of the pillar explained to 
her that that was the Municipaphone. 

"We have them in every room in 



THE MUNICIPAPHONE 77 

every house in the City, on all the lamp- 
posts, hydrants, telegraph poles, in fact 
everywhere where there is a chance or 
room enough to hang one," the Hatter 
explained. 

"It's just like a telephone, isn't it?" 
said Alice. "Only it looks like a hat 
instead of a funnel." 

"Exactly," said the Hatter, "but we 
don't call it a telephone any more. The 
word telephone struck me as being a 
misnomer. You don't tell the 'phone 
anything when you talk into it. You 
tell the person at the other end of the line, 
and so, I changed its name to the Muni- 
cipaphone, which shows that it's a 'phone 
that belongs to the City. Just to sort of 
moralise the thing I had the mouth-piece 
changed to look like a hat instead of a 
funnel, because funnels are apt to suggest 
alcoholic beverages and sometimes people 
who aren't at all thirsty are made so by 
the mere power of suggestion. The hat, 
however, has always commended itself 



78 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

to our greatest statesmen as a vehicle 
best suited for the transmission of ideas, 
and I therefore adopted it." 

" It is very pretty/' commented Alice. 
"Only I think a few ribbons would 
improve it a little." 

"Possibly," said the Hatter. "We 
haven't had time yet to look after the 
millinery aspect of the situation, but 
we'll take that up at our next Cabinet 
meeting. I thank you for the suggestion. 
But you see how the thing works. This 
little book here has a list of the names of 
everybody in town with their Municipa- 
phone numbers attached. The lowly as 
well as the highly, from the newsboy up 
to the Bridge Whist set, are all repre- 
sented here, so that all are connected in 
one way or another with each other. 
There is no man, woman, or child so poor 
and humble of birth, that he or she cannot 
get into immediate relations with the 
haughty and proud. Everybody is on 
speaking terms with everybody else, and 



THE MUNICIPAPHONE 79 

we have thereby reached socially a con- 
dition wherein all men though not re- 
lated are nevertheless connected. You 
frequently hear a wash-lady remark that 
while she has not met Mrs. Van Varick 
Van Astorbilt or Mrs. Willieboy de Crud- 
oil personally, they are nevertheless 
connections of hers if not by blood or 
marriage at least by wire, which is 
stronger than either. Some day instead 
of having Societies of the Cincinnati, and 
Sons and Daughters of the Revolution I 
hope to see associations of Brothers and 
Sisters of the Municipaphone which shall 
become a factor of overwhelming solidar- 
ity in all social and political affairs." 

" It's a splendid scheme," said Alice. 

" It is a tie of material strength which 
binds together our first and last families, 
increasing the pride of the latter, and 
diminishing that of the former until we 
have at last reached an average of self- 
satisfaction which knows no barriers of 
class distinction, ' ' said the Hatter. " But 



8o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

it wouldn't have worked if we hadn't 
formulated strict rules by which every 
household in town is governed. One 
of our rules is that the person called upon 
must answer immediately and truthfully 
any question which the person at the 
other end asks, and of course in perfectly 
polite language. For instance, suppose 
you try it yourself. Just ring up Number 
831 15, Bloomingdale, and ask for Mrs. 
S. Van Livingston Smythe. She's the 
biggest swell in town. Ask her anything 
that comes into your head, and you'll 
see how it works. Tell her you are Mrs. 
O' Flaherty, the Head Wash-Lady of the 
Municipal Laundry. ' ' 

Alice took her place at the Municipa- 
phone and called 831 15 Bloomingdale, as 
instructed. 

"Hello!" she said. 

"Hush! Don't say that — say Ah 
there!" interrupted the Hatter. "Hello 
comes under the head of profanity, which 
is against the law." 



THE MUNICIPAPHONE 81 

" Excuse me," said Alice. "Ah 
there ! ' : she added. ' ' Give me 8 3 1 1 5 
Bloomingdale, please, Central/ ' 

"Name, please/ ' said Central. 

"Bridget O'Flaherty," replied Alice 

" Address ?" asked Central. 

"Tub 37, Municipal Laundry," said 
Alice. 

" Occupation? " continued the other. 

"Wringer," laughed Alice. 

"All right, there you are," said 
Central, making the desired connection. 

" Is this Mrs. S. Van Livingston 
Smythe?" asked Alice. 

"Yes," said a sweet voice from the 
other end of the line. " What is it ? " 

"I am Bridget O'Flaherty," said 
Alice, "of the Municipal Laundry, 
and I wanted to ask was your grand- 
father ever a monkey ?" 

It was not a very polite question, but 
under the excitement of the moment 
Alice could think of nothing better to 
ask. 



82 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

" I don't believe so, Mrs. O'Flaherty," 
came the sweet voice in answer. "I 
have looked over every branch of our 
family tree and there isn't a cocoanut on 
it. Why, are you looking for a missing 
grandfather of your own?" 

"No," smiled Alice, "but I've read 
all the books in the public library and I 
thought he might have a tail to tell that 
I would find amusing." 

"Well, I'm very sorry," said the 
sweet voice. "Grandfather died forty 
years ago, so I don't believe he can help 
you. I would advise you to go up to the 
Monkeyhouse and ask one of your own 
brothers. Good-bye. ' ' 

" Good-bye," said Alice. 

" Well? " asked the Hatter with a grin. 
" What do you think of it? " 

" Why — it's perfectly wonderful," said 
Alice. " If that were to happen in New 
York or even in Brooklyn or Binghamton 
Mrs. S. Van Livingston Smythe would 
have been very indignant, not only over 



THE MUNICIPAPHONE 83 

the question, but for the mere fact that 
the— er — wash-lady dared ring her up 
at all." 

"Exactly," said the Hatter, with a 
bland smile of satisfaction. " This Muni- 
cipaphone controlled by strict rules which 
people must obey is a great social leveller. ' ' 

" But why did Central want my name 
and address ?" asked Alice. 

" Because Central has to keep a record 
of all that everybody says for the Inspec- 
tor of Personal Communications,"- ex- 
plained the Hatter. "Every word you 
and Mrs. Smythe spoke was recorded 
at the Central Office, and if either of you 
had used any expression stronger than 
Fudge, or O Tutt you would have been 
fined five dollars for each expression and 
repetition thereof. We expect to estab- 
lish Civic Control of Public and Private 
Speech within the next year, and we have 
begun it with supervision of the Muni- 
cipaphone." 

"But, cried Alice, "If I had said 



84 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 



something that required a fine, wouldn't 
Mrs. O' Flaherty, who is innocent, 
have had to pay?" 

" Yes," said the Hatter. " But in all 
cases where the public welfare is con- 

c e r n e d , 
private in- 
terests must 
yield how- 
ever great 
the hard- 
ship. That 
is one of the 
fundamen- 
tal princi- 
p 1 e s of 
Municipal 
Ownership. Mrs. O'Flaherty would have 
to suffer in order that the great prin- 
ciple involved in Polite Speech for all 
Classes might prevail. The strict en- 
forcement of our anti-Gosh legislation 
has resulted almost in the complete 
elimination of profane speech in Blunder- 




1 FINED FIVE DOLLARS" 



THE MUNICIPAPHONE 



85 



land — so much so in fact that in 
the new Dictionary we are compiling 
such words as Golramit, Dodgastit, and 
Goshallhemlocks are being left out alto- 
gether. " 

"It is a great moral agency,' ' said 
the White Knight. " It increases the 
self-respect of the submerged, curbs the 
pride of the rich, and holds in complete 
subjection those evil communications 
which corrupt good manners/ ' 

"And nothing but the 
result of Municipal Owner- 
ship," put in the March 
Hare enthusi- 
astically, for- 
getting his 
grouch for a 
moment. 

"It has 
other advan- 
tages, too," 
said the Hatter, 
tuwnicn 1 THE DICTI0NARY ^ ARE compjlujq .» 




86 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 



feel I should call 
your attention. 
These phones be- 
ing in every room 
in town 
with which 
anybody 
may be con- 
nected at 
any mo- 
ment and 
thus over- 
hear what 

" ALICE TRANSFIXED AT THE PHONE " OXtli^T pCO - 

ple are say- 
ing, gossip is gradually dying out, and 
people everywhere are more careful of 
what they say even in private, for now- 
adays the walls literally have ears. To 
give you an example, I will connect you 
at once with the home of the Duchess 
whom you met, if you remember, in 
your journey through Wonderland and 
you may judge for yourself of how useful 




THE MUNICIPAPHONE 87 

this Municipaphone is to us in ascertain- 
ing the general trend of public opinion." 
The Hatter gave the order to Central 
and in a minute Alice stood transfixed 
at the phone listening intently. She 
recognised the voice of the Duchess 
immediately. 

m 




"As for that old fool of a Hatter/ ' 
she was saying, "he is the biggest jack- 
ass from Dan to Beersheba." 

" Well? " said the Hatter. " Can you 
hear her?" 

" Yes," giggled Alice. " Very plainly." 

"What does she say?" asked the 
Hatter, simpering. 



88 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

"Why," said Alice reddening, "she — 
she's talking about you." 

"The dear Duchess," ejaculated the 
Hatter, with a foolish smirk. "I'm very 
much afraid — ahem — that the Duchess 
has her eye on me." 

" She has," said Alice. " She is refer- 
ring to you in the warmest tones — she 
thinks you're big — great — the very great- 
est from Dan to Beersheba." 

" Ah me! " sighed the Hatter. " If I 
were only a younger man! " 

"They'll make a match of it yet," 
said the White Knight in a soft whisper 
to Alice. 

"Yes," sneered the March Hare, who 
had overheard, jealously, " and a fine 
old sulphur-headed lucifer of a match 
it will be too." 

"Well, it's all very nice," said Alice, 
very anxious to change the subject. 
" But I can't say that I'm sure I'd like 
it. Why, you can't have any secrets 
from anybody." 



THE MUNICIPAPHONE 89 

"And why should you wish to, my 
dear child ?" asked the Hatter, coming 
out of his dream of romance. "Why 
not so order your life that you have no 
need for secrecy ?" 

"Yes," said Alice. "I suppose that 
is better, but then, Mr. Hatter, isn't 
there to be any more private life? " 

"Not under Municipal Ownership," 
said the Hatter. "Carried to its logical 
conclusion that with all other so-called 
private rights will be merged in the 
glorious culmination of a complete well 
rounded Municipal Life. It is toward 
that Grand Civic Eventuation that I 
and my associates in this noble move- 
ment are constantly striving." 

"Are you going to have Municipal 
Control of Marriage? " asked Alice, slyly. 

The Hatter blushed and smiled fool- 
ishly. ' ' I — ah — am thinking about that, ' ' 
he said with a funny little laugh. " It would 
be a most excellent thing to do, for in my 
opinion a great many people nowadays 



go ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

get married too thoughtlessly. Just be- 
cause they happen to love each other 
they go off and get married, but under 
Municipal Control it would be much 
more difficult for a man or a woman to 
take so serious a step. For instance, 
if I had my way the Common Council 
would have to be asked for permission 
for a man to marry. The question would 
come up in the form of a bill, which would 
immediately be referred to the Committee 
on Matrimony, who would discuss it very 
thoroughly before bringing it before the 
Council. If a majority of the Committee 
considered that the application should 
be granted, then the matter should be 
placed before the whole Council, by which 
it should be debated in open public ses- 
sions, the applicant having been invited 
to appear and under cross-examination 
by the District Attorney demonstrate 
his fitness to be married. All others 
knowing any reason why he should not 
be married should also have the oppor- 



THE MUNICIPAPHONE 91 

tunity to appear and state their reasons 
for opposing the granting of the appli- 
cation. I am inclined to believe that 
this would put a stop to these hasty 
marriages which have given rise to that 
beautiful proverb, Married in Camden, 
Repent at South Dakota." 

" I should think it would," said Alice. 
" And when do you propose to start this 
plan along?" 

11 Well, you see," said the Hatter with 
a giggle, "before I take final steps in the 
matter I wish to have a few words with — 
er — well — you know who — I " 

"The Duchess, " Alice ventured. 

"Ah, you precocious child! " cried the 
Hatter, tapping Alice on the shoulder 
coyly. "You must not believe all you 
overhear the Duchess say about me. She 
is so prejudiced, and blind to my faults. 
I — I'm almost sorry I connected you 
with her over the Municipaphone." 



CHAPTER VI 

THE DEPARTMENT OF PUBLIC VERSE 

I THINK," said the Hatter, "that be- 
fore we go any further we would 
better show Miss Alice our Municipal 
Poetry Factory. The whistle will blow 
very shortly and our Divine Afflatus 
Dynamo will shut down, so if she is to 
see that feature of our work now is the 
time to do it." 

"Yes," said the March Hare, " al- 
though the office is in some confusion 
owing to your recent Municipal Order 
Number 20,367 making Alabazam rhyme 
with Mulligatawney, and extending the 
number of lines in the municipal quat- 
rains from four to twenty-three. The 
employees are finding considerable diffi- 
culty in making twenty- three-line quat- 
rains and at least half the force have 

92 



PUBLIC VERSE 93 

gone home suffering from acute attacks 
of brainstormitis. ,, 

"It'll do 'em good," laughed the 
Hatter. " A good brain storm may result 
in a few of them being struck. Come 
along, Miss Alice, and well show you our 
City Poets at work." 

"I don't think I understand," said 
Alice. "What is a city poet?" 

" He bears the same relation to Muni- 
cipal Poetry that a White Wing bears to 
the Street Cleaning Department," ex- 
plained the Hatter. "Two years ago 
the City took over all the Verse-making 
enterprises of Blunderland, appointed a 
Municipalaureat, otherwise a Commis- 
sioner of Public Verse, and started him 
along with a Department. He employs 
16,743 poets who provide all the poetry 
that is consumed by our people. It has 
resulted in great good for everybody. 
Poetry is cheaper by eight cents a line 
than it used to be, and, as you may have 
guessed from what the March Hare has 



94 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 



just said, we give larger measure than 
was the custom under the private owner- 
ship of Pegasus. Quatrains have been 
increased from four lines to twenty- three, 
and the old stingy fourteen-line sonnet 
has been enlarged to fifty- four lines. We 

have also passed an 
ordinance requiring 
that poems shall say 
what they mean, 
which is a vast im- 
provement on the old 
private control meth- 
od whereunder any- 
body was allowed to 
write rhymes which 
nobody could under- 
stand — like that 
thing of Miss Arethusa Spink's, for 
instance, called Aspiration. Remember 
that?" 

"I don't think I ever heard it," said 
Alice. 

"Well it went this way," said the 




LARGER MEASURE THAN WAS 
THE CUSTOM" 



PUBLIC VERSE 95 

Hatter, and striking a graceful attitude 
he recited the following lines called: 

ASPIRATION 

By Arethusa Spink 

Down by the purple opalescent sea, 

Flung like a ribbon limp athwart the sky, 

A rose lay blooming on the restless lea, 

While sundry birds came chattering sweetly by. 

Twas then my soul that all too long had slept, 
Awoke from out its iridescent nap, 

[crept 
Down where the pink-cheeked crocus blossoms 

From out fair Nature's over-bounteous lap, 
And cried aloud ''Alas! What hath betode? 

What dream is this that like the ambient brook 
Forbids the mind to face the solemn goad 
And know itself forsook! 

The Hatter paused. 

"Well?" said Alice, slightly puzzled. 

"That's all there was to it," said the 
Hatter. " It was printed in one of our 
Magazines and within forty-eight hours 
the ambulance from the Insane Asylum 



96 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

was called out 737 times by people who 
had gone crazy trying to find out what 
it meant. It capped the climax. I 
called a special meeting of the Common 
Council to take the matter up purely as 
a matter of public health, and before I 
went to bed that night they had passed 
and I had signed an Act giving the con- 
trol of the Verse Industry to the City 
and taking it out of the hands of irre- 
sponsible, unlicensed independent poets." 

"And a good job it was too," said 
the March Hare. 

"And you chose one of the best poets 
in town for the Commissioner, I suppose?" 
suggested Alice. 

" No we didn't," said the Hatter. " I 
didn't want any Moonshine in a City 
Department and no poet is a good busi- 
ness man. I picked out a very suc- 
cessful Haberdasher in the Sixth Ward 
for the delicate business of organising the 
Department, and he has done most excel- 
lent work. We found that just as a first 



PUBLIC VERSE 97 

class confectioner made a splendid mana- 
ger of our Gas plant, and a successful 
Hoki-Poki merchant had the required 
push to keep our trolley systems going, 
so the Haberdasher had the precise kind 
of genius to manage the poets. He won't 
stand any nonsense from them, and any 
poem that he can't understand is imme- 
diately thrown into the Civic Waste- 
Basket, taken to the Municipal Ferry 
and used for fuel to run the boats. I 
guess we burn nineteen tons of refuse 
verse a day, don't we, Alderman ?" 

" About that — on the average, "said 
the March Hare. " Sometimes it gets 
as high as twenty tons and occasionally 
it falls off to sixteen — but using these 
rejected manuscripts in place of coal has 
reduced the loss on the Ferry about 
thirty-eight dollars a year in real money.' ' 

" How much is that in bonds? " asked 
Alice slyly. 

"O — let's see," said the Hatter, his 
face getting very red, "well — I should 



98 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

say on a basis of 43-3-% to one, thirty- 
eight dollars would come to about 
$97,347.83 in third debenture ten per 
cent, certificates, exclusive of the cost of 
printing, advertising, and the number 
we give away as sample copies." 

" Quite a saving," said Alice. 

"Yes," said the Hatter. "We save 
all we can. Economy in real money is 
our watchword. We never spend a cent 
where a bond will serve the purpose." 

By this time Alice and her hosts had 
reached the building occupied by the 
Department of Public Verse, and upon 
entering its spacious doorway the party 
were greeted by the Commissioner, the 
Haberdasher, to whom Alice was prompt- 
ly introduced. He reminded her very 
forcibly of her old acquaintance Bill the 
Lizard, but she was not sure enough on 
this point to recall their previous meeting 
when she had so tactlessly kicked him 
up through the chimney flue of the 
Wonderland Cottage. 



PUBLIC VERSE 



99 



"Well, Mr. Commissioner," said the 
Hatter, "how are you getting along?" 

"Pretty well, Mr. Mayor," replied the 
Commissioner. "We've just finished the 



Of PflftTMSWir 
in- 

PUSUC 




" GREETED BY THE COMMISSIONER, THE HABERDASHER" 



six line couplet for the new Chewing Gum 
Bonds." 

"Good," said the Hatter. "How 
does it go?" 



ioo ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 



" Rather neatly I think," said the 
Commissioner, and he read the following : 

We promise to pay 

This bond some day 

If of the stuff 

We've got enough. 
And if we haven't, pray don't despond, 
For well pay it off with another bond. 

"Fine," said the Hatter. "You 
strike a very lofty note in that. And 
how do the new Limericks work?" 

" We've finished number 3907 of series 
XZV," said the Commissioner. "I'll 
send for Wiggins who wrote it and let 

him read it to you 
himself/ ' 

A pressure of 
an electric button 
brought the smil- 
ing Wiggins into 
the office. 

"Wiggins, the 
•it runs this way, your honour" Mayor would like 




PUBLIC VERSE 101 

to hear that new Limerick of yours/ ' 
said the Commissioner. 

"Thanky sir/' said Wiggins. "It 
runs this way, your honour. 

There was an old lady named Jane 

Who sat on a fence at Schoharie. 

A rooster came by 

And crew like the deuce 

But T ane never scared for a cent. 

" That's great," said the Hatter. 
" Don't you think so, Miss Alice? " 

"Why yes," said Alice, " but— does it 
rhyme ?" 

" Perfectly," replied the Hatter, " that 
is, under our system. When we organ- 
ised this Department to facilitate busi- 
ness and avoid the waste of time looking 
for rhymes we legalised such rhymes as 
Schoharie and cent and by and deuce. 
By that act we found that where one man 
could only turn out 800 Limericks a day 
under the old system, any ablebodied- 
poet can write 3,000 in the same number 



io2 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 



of hours. That's very good, Wiggins/' 
he added turning to the workman. "I 
shall recommend the Commissioner to 
promote you to an Inspectorship in the 
Sonnet works." 

"Thanky sir," said the Poet, as he 
blushingly bowed himself out. 

"Here," said 
the Commissioner, 
opening a door 
leading into a long, 
darkened chamber, 
" here, young lady, 
is our Thinking 
Department." 
Alice passed into the darkness and 
dimly made out a half a hundred long- 
haired individuals sitting in comfortable 
Morris chairs, their forefingers pressed 
hard against their brows and their eyes 
gazing fixedly out into space. 

" These men and women think the 
thoughts which our municipal poetry is 
designed to express," the Commissioner 




" OUR THINKING DEPARTMENT 



PUBLIC VERSE 103 

continued. "A thought once seized by any 
one of them is written down upon a pad, 
and then taken into this next room 
where it is classified and assigned to the 
line cutters who turn out the first draft in 
the rough. Then when this is done it is 
sent to the rhyming room where the lines 
are made to end in rhymes, and finally 
it goes to the Polishing room where the 
poem is made ready for publication/ ' 

"It's a wonderful system," said the 
Hatter. " It not only improves the 
quality of our poetry, but in campaign 
times it is a great help, since we control 
absolutely all the campaign poetry. 
When I run for mayor next fall to succeed 
myself there won't be a single poem 
written on the other side." 

"That ought to be a great help," 
said Alice. 

"Yes," said the Hatter. "It will be. 
Every employee in this Department will 
not only vote for me but will work for 
me as well. Same way in the gas plant 



io 4 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

and the trolley — in fact in all the City 
Departments. It is only another evi- 
dence of the very great value of Municipal 
Ownership. It is uncertainty in political 
times that upsets business, but with the 
Municipality in control of all these De- 
partments from Gas to Poetry there is 
no uncertainty about who will win, so 
that business is not unsettled by it." 

" Wonderful/ ' said Alice. 

" By the way, Mr. Commissioner, 
you'd better start the Rhyming Bureau 
on the search for rhymes to Hatter at 
once," said the Mayor. " We don't want 
to be caught unprepared at the last 
minute/ ' 

"The list is being compiled now," 
replied the Commissioner. " We already 
have, Matter, Batter, Tatter, Smatter 
Patter, Ratter, Spatter and Scatter." 

" Fine! " chortled the Hatter. 

"Don't forget Chatter," put in Alice. 

"Thank you — I'll make a note of it," 
said the Commissioner. 



PUBLIC VERSE 105 

"And Snatter," growled the March 
Hare gloomily, who evidently felt that 
somebody ought to be looking for 
rhymes to March Hare as w r ell. 

"What does snatter mean?" de- 
manded the Hatter frowning. 

"It's a corrupt form for snatcher," 
retorted the March Hare. "One who 
snatches everything he can lay his hands 
on, without regard to whether it's his by 
divine right or not. I guess they can use 
it in poems calling attention to your 
Civic Virtues." 

" Except by unanimous vote of the 
Common Council over my veto Snatter 
stays out of the Municipal Vocabulary," 
returned the Hatter coldly. "Your own 
confession that it is corrupt is enough to 
condemn it with me." 

"I wouldn't use batter either, Mr. 
Mayor," said the Commissioner. "Bat- 
ter is dough and we haven't got any 
worth mentioning." 

"It is also to whack, slam, bang, 



io6 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

bust, smack," retorted the Hatter, "so 
your recommendation is not accepted. 
Seems to me I can almost hear the cam- 
paign clubs singing as they march : 

O the noble, noble Hatter, 

Ain't he grand! 
How his enemies do scatter 

Thro the land! 
How his foemen he doth batter 
With their idle gloomy chatter 
On this Muni — cipal Matter 

Beats the band! 

" O Gee! " ejaculated the March Hare. 
"Do you call that poetry ?" 

"Sir, I call it truth," returned the 
Hatter, " and poetry is truth just as art 
is truth, and if you don't believe it all 
you've got to do is to try and run against 
me next fall on that issue. I'll beat you 
to a stand- still." 

"Of course you will," sighed the 
March Hare. "But you wouldn't but 
for that last ordinance you jammed 
through while I was off on my vacation." 



PUBLIC VERSE 107 

"What was that?" demanded the 
Hatter. 

"Giving the Election Commission ab- 
solute control over the votes, and then 
appointing yourself Election Commis- 
sioner ex-officio," said the March Hare. 
" I don't believe that Municipal Control 
of the ballot is constitutional. " 

"Well, it will be constitutional," said 
the Hatter drily. 

" When? " demanded the March Hare. 

"When we secure Municipal Control 
of the Constitution," said the Hatter. 
"I'll make it Constitutional if I have to 
rewrite the whole blessed Constitution 
myself." 

Whereupon the Hatter walked ma- 
jestically forth into the street once more, 
and Alice and the March Hare together 
with the White Knight followed meekly 
in his train. 



CHAPTER VII 

OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 

WHAT time is it?" asked the Hat- 
ter, suddenly turning to the 
White Knight. 

"Six o'clock," replied the White 
Knight, looking at his watch. 

" Mercy !" cried Alice. "I had no 
idea it was so late! I shall have to run 
along home — it's supper time." 

The Hatter laughed. 

"O, as for that," he said, "there's 
no hurry. Under our present system 
of Municipal Ownership of Everything, 
I can issue, as Mayor, a general order 
postponing the Municipal Supper Hour 
to seven or eight o'clock. Still — if you'd 
prefer to go home " 

"I don't want to," said Alice cour- 
teously, "but I think I'd better. My 

1 08 



OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 109 

mother would be worried not finding 
me in the nursery. You see, I left home 
without telling anybody where I was 
going." 

Again the Hatter laughed. 

"What foolishness! " he ejaculated. 
" That's the great trouble with the private 
ownership of children. It worries their 
poor mothers, keeps 'em from their daily 
Bridge parties, interferes with that free- 
dom of action which is guaranteed to 
the individual by the contravention of 
the United States " 

"Constitution, I guess you mean," 
suggested Alice. 

"It used to be the Constitution," re- 
turned the Hatter, " but now it's the 
Contravention. It has been contravened 
so often in the past few years that our 
Reformed Language Commission at Wash- 
ington has named it accordingly." 

"It simply bears out what you said 
in your message approving the Public 
Ownership of Children Act passed by 



no ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

the Common Council last November, 
which I wrote for you, and conse- 
quently consider a very able document/ ' 
said the White Knight. 

" The Public Ownership of Children? " 
cried Alice, with a look of alarm on her face. 

"Yes," said the Hatter. "Just as 
the Nation has gone in for paternalism, 
we here in Blunderland have gone in for 
maternalism. The children here belong 
to the city " 

"But— " Alice began. 

" Now, don't bother," said the Hatter 
kindly. " It works very well. It has 
reduced children to a state of scientific 
control which is as careful and as effective 
as that of the street cleaning department 
or the public parks, and it has emanci- 
pated the mothers as well as materially 
decreased the financial obligations of 
the fathers." 

Alice's lip quivered slightly, and 
she began to feel a little bit afraid of the 
Hatter. 



OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN in 

" I want to go home/' she whimpered. 

" Certainly — as you wish," said the 
Hatter. " We'll take you there at once. 
Come along." 

Reassured by the Hatter's kindly 
manner Alice took her companion's out- 
stretched hand and they walked along the 
highway together until they came to a 
handsome apartment house fronting upon 
a beautiful park, where the Hatter 
pressed an electric button at one side 
of the massive entrance. The response 
to the bell was immediate, and Alice 
was pleased to find that the person to 
answer was none other than the Duchess 
herself. 

" Why, how-di-doo," said the Duchess 
affably. " Glad to see you again, Miss 
Alice." 

"Thank you," said Alice. "It is 
very nice to be here. Do you live in 
this beautiful building?" 

" Yes," said the Duchess. "You see, 
I've just been appointed Commissioner 



ii2 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

of Maternity. I'm what you might call 
the official mother of the town. Since 
that great Statesman, the Hatter " — here 
the Duchess winked graciously at the 
March Hare — " devised his crowning 
achievement in the Municipal Control 
of the Children and appointed me to be 
the Head of the Department, I have been 
stationed here." 

"And a mighty good old mother 
she is!' 5 ejaculated the Hatter with 
fervour. 

" Palaverer! " said the Duchess coyly. 

"Not at all," said the Hatter. "I 
speak not as a man, but as a Mayor, and 
what I say is to be construed as an official 
tribute to a faithful and deserving public 
servant." 

"Servant, sir?" repeated the Duchess 
haughtily. 

"In the American sense," said the 
Hatter with a low bow. " In the sense 
that the servant is as good as, if not better 
than the employer, Madam." 



OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 113 

"That man's a perfect Dipsomaniac," 
said the March Hare. 

' ' Diplomat, man — diplomat, ' ' cor- 
rected the White Knight. "A dipso- 
maniac is a very different thing from a 
Diplomat. Consuls may be dipsomaniacs, 
but a Diplomat is a man worthy of Am- 
bassadorial honours." 

"Oh — I see," said the March Hare. 
"Well — he's a Diplomat all right, all 
right." 

: ' How are things going to-day, 
Duchess ? ' ' asked the Hatter. ' ' Children 
happy ?" 

'They will be in time," said the 
Duchess. " So many of them have been 
brought up so far on the Ladies' Home 
Journal system that it is hard to intro- 
duce the new Blunderland method with- 
out friction." 

"I was afraid of that," said the 
Hatter. " How does the compulsory 
soda-water regulation work?" 

"Splendidly," said the Duchess. 



ii 4 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

"Since I started in in January to make 
the children drink five glasses of Vanilla 
Cream soda every day as a matter of 
routine and duty, sixty per cent, of them 
have come to hate it. I think that by 
the end of the year we shall have stamped 
out the love of soda almost entirely. The 
same way with caramels and other can- 
dies in place of beef. We have caramels 
for breakfast, gum-drops for dinner and 
marshmallows for tea, regularly, and 
last night seventeen of the children 
presented a petition asking for beef- 
steak, mutton chops and boiled rice. I 
have a firm conviction that when the 
new law, requiring beef to be sold at candy 
stores, and compelling those in charge of 
the young to teach them that boiled 
rice and hominy are bad for the teeth, 
goes into effect, we shall find the children 
clamouring for wholesome food as eagerly 
as they do now for things that ruin their 
little tummies." 

"It's a splendid system — and how 



OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 115 

are you meeting the matinee problem ?" 
asked the March Hare. 

! 'Same way," said the Duchess. 
" Every Wednesday and Saturday after- 
noon we make 'em go to a matinee, rain 
or shine, whether they want to or not, 
and really it's pathetic to see how some 
of the little dears pine for a half-holiday 
with a hoople, and since I forbade the 
youngsters to even look at the back of 
a geography, or a spelling book, it is 
most amusing to see how they sneak 
into the library and devour the contents 
of those two books when they think 
nobody's looking. I caught one of the 
boys reading an Arithmetic in bed last 
night, wholly neglecting his Jack Hark- 
away books that I had commanded him 
to read, and leaving his 'Bim, the 
Broncho Buster of Buffalo/ absolutely 
uncut." 

" Fine! " chuckled the Hatter. " And 
now, my dear Duchess, will you oblige 
me by taking charge of Miss Alice? She 



n6 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

has expressed a desire to go home and so 
I have brought her here." 

11 Certainly," said the Duchess. " I'll 
look after her." 

" You'll excuse us, Alice," said the 




"when they think nobody's looking" 

Hatter, politely. "We'd escort you fur- 
ther ourselves, but a question has come 
before the Municipal Ownership Caucus 
that we must settle before the meeting 
of the Common Council to-night. Cer- 
tain of our members claim that they 



OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 117 

have a right to sell their votes for 
$500 apiece " 

"Mercy!" cried Alice. "Why, that 
is — that is terrible." 

" It certainly is," said the March Hare 
ruefully. "It's more than terrible, it's 
rotten. Here I've been holding out for 
$1,250 for mine, and these duffers want 
to go in for a cut rate that will absolutely 
ruin the business." 

"It's a very important matter," said 
the Hatter. "After all our striving to 
elevate the people we don't want them 
to make themselves too cheap. For my 
part I don't think they should let go of a 
vote on any question for less than $2,500." 

"That's all right, Mr. Mayor," said 
the White Knight. "But you don't 
want to frighten capital,' you know." 

"Well, you and I disagree on that 
point," said the Mayor. "Capital isn't 
at all necessary to the success of our 
schemes. My watchword is Bonds, and 
as long as I have a printing press to print 



n8 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

'em, and a fountain pen to sign 'em I'm 
not going to be influenced one way or 
another by a feeling of subserviency to 
the capitalist class. Good night, Miss 
Alice. Glad to have met you and I hope 
you will have a pleasant time with the 
Duchess. Here," he added, taking a 
beautifully printed green and gold paper 
from his pocket, "here is a Blanket 
Mortgage 18% Deferred Debenture Bond 
on the Main Street Ferry of a par value 
of $100,000 payable in 3457, as a souvenir 
of your visit." 

"A hundred thousand dollars," cried 
Alice. "For me?" 

"No," corrected the Hatter. "A 
hundred thousand dollar bond. You 
don't get the money until 3457, and not 
then unless you present it in person to the 
City Treasurer." 

With which munificent gift the Hatter 
respectfully bowed himself away and 
made off, followed by the March Hare. 

"Good-bye, Alice," said the White 



OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 119 



Knight sympathetically; and then 
thrusting a paper in her hand, he leaned 
forward and whispered into the little girl's 
ear, "If you get into trouble, use this." 

"Thank you," said Alice. "What 
is it?" 

"It's a temporary injunction issued 
by the Chief 
Justice restrain- 
ing anybody 
from interfering 
with you," said 
the White 
Knight. " You 
may need it." 

And the 
kindly old 
knight ran mad- 




IF YOU GET INTO TROUBLE, USE THIS 



ly off up the 

street after the Mayor and the March 
Hare, and shortly after disappeared 
around the corner. 

"Now, my little dear," said the 
Duchess, " we'll take you home." 



i2o ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

Seizing Alice by the hand the Duchess 
led the little traveller into the Municipal 
Nursery. Entering the elevator, they 
went up and up and up and up until Alice 
thought they would never stop. Finally 
on the 117th floor the elevator stopped. 
Alice and the Duchess alighted and 
entered a funny little flat, singularly 
enough labelled with Alice's own name. 

" This is it," said the Duchess. " There 
is your bedroom, here is your parlour, 
and that is the bath-room. The apart- 
ment has running soda-water, hot and 
cold; you will find a refrigerator stocked 
with peanut brittle, molasses candy, and 
sugared fruits in the pantry. Your read- 
ing will consist of Lucy the Lace Vendor, 
or How the Laundress Became a Lady ; the 
works of Marie Corelli ; Factory Fanny, the 
Forger's Daughter, and any other un- 
wholesome book you may want from 
the House of Correction Library. Play- 
time will begin at seven every morning 
and you will be compelled to dress and 



OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 121 

undress dolls until one, when your 
caramel will be given to you, after which 
you will skip the rope and read fairy 
stories until six. You must drink five 
glasses of soda-water every day and will 
not be allowed to go to bed before eleven 
o'clock at night. Hurry now, and get 
your hair mussed and your hands dirty 
for dinner. The first course of whipped 
cream and roasted chestnuts will be 
served promptly at six-thirty." 

"But," cried Alice, "I don't want 
to stay here — I want to go home." 

"You are home," said the Duchess. 
"This is the Municipal Home of the 
Children of Blunderland." 

"But I want my father and mother," 
whimpered Alice. 

"The City is your father, my child, 
and I am officially your mother," said the 
Duchess. 

"You are not!" cried Alice. "You 
are trying to kidnap me! — I'll — I'll call 
the police." 



i22 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

" The police can't arrest a city, my 
dear child, and as for me, as the Com- 
missioner of Maternity I am immune from 
arrest," laughed the Duchess. 

"Well, I just won't stay, that's all," 

cried 
Alice, 
stamping 
her foot 
angrily. 
"I don't 
want a 
city for a 
father, 

and I 

shan't 

»su~ , » have an 

"seizing her by the arm" r r . . n 

ofiicial 
mother in place of a real one." 

The child ran toward the door, but 
the Duchess was too quick for her, seizing 
her by the arm. 

Let me go!" shrieked Alice. 
Never," snapped the Duchess. 




n 



a 



OWNERSHIP OF CHILDREN 123 

And then the little girl thought of the 
piece of paper the White Knight had 
given her. 

" I guess that will make you change 
your mind/' she said, handing the in- 
junction to her captor. 

The Duchess read it carefully; her 
face paled, and she too stamped her 
foot. 

"I'll see about this," she roared 
angrily, and in a moment she had gone, 
slamming the door so hard behind her 
that the building fairly shook. A mo- 
ment later Alice followed, and in a short 
time was bounding down the stairway 
as fast as her little legs would carry her 
toward freedom, when all of a sudden she 
tripped and began to fall — down, down, 
down — O, would she never stop! And 
then, bump! Her fall was over, and 
strange to relate the little maid found 
herself sitting on the floor back in her 
own nursery in her own real home, with 
her mother bending over her. 



i2 4 ALICE IN BLUNDERLAND 

"Dear me, Alice," said her mother. 
" I hope you haven't hurt yourself." 

"No," said Alice. "Why— have I 
—I really fallen?" 

"You most certainly have — off the 
sofa," laughed her mother. "Where 




'<zXJH>^ 



WHY — HAVE I — I REALLY FALLEN ? 



have you been?' 3 she added. "In 
Wonderland again ?" 

"No," said Alice. "In Blunderland 
— this time." 

Which struck her father, when he 
heard the story of her adventures later, 
as a very apt and descriptive title for the 
M. O. Country. ^ — 

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